Baa, baa, baa
Jun. 18th, 2008 07:36 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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trolleypup
How many of these apply to you?
1. I have read fiction when I was depressed, or to cheer myself up.
Yes, and yes
2. I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or more in a day.
Yes, and yes
3. I read rapidly, often 'gulping' chapters.
Yes
4. I have sometimes read early in the morning or before work.
Yes
5. I have hidden books in different places to sneak a chapter without being seen.
Not since I was in school.
6. Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in order to read novels.
Yes, and yes
7. Sometimes I re-write film or television dialog as the characters speak.
No
8. I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is a book nearby.
No
9. At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to read.
Not often
10. Reading has made me seek haunts and companions which I would otherwise avoid.
Yes
11. I have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until I have finished a novel.
Yes, and yes
12. I have spent money meant for necessities on books instead.
Not recently
13. I have attempted to check out more library books than permitted.
Yes, although not recently
14. Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers.
Yes
15. I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy reading.
Only once!
16. I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a bout of reading.
No
17. I have wept, become angry or irrational because of something I read.
Yes, yes, and no
18. I have sometimes wished I did not read so much.
No
19. Sometimes I think my reading is out of control.
No
If you answered 'yes' to three or more of these questions, you may be a literature abuser. Affirmative responses to five or more indicates a serious problem.
Once a relatively rare disorder, Literature Abuse, or LA, has risen to new levels due to the accessibility of higher education and increased college enrollment since the end of the Second World War. The Number of literature abusers is currently at record levels.
Abusers become withdrawn, uninterested in society or normal relationships. They fantasize, creating alternative worlds to occupy, to the neglect of friends and family. In severe cases they develop bad posture from reading in awkward positions or carrying heavy book bags. In the worst instances, they become cranky reference librarians in small towns. Excessive reading during pregnancy is perhaps the number one cause of moral deformity among the children of Librarians, English professors, Creative Writing teachers and Literacy and ESL tutors. Known as Fetal Fiction Syndrome, this disease also leaves its victims prone to a lifetime of nearsightedness, daydreaming and emotional instability.
Recent Harvard studies have established that heredity plays a considerable role in determining whether a person will become an abuser of literature. Most abusers have at least one parent who abused literature, often beginning at an early age and progressing into adulthood. Many spouses of an abuser become abusers themselves.
Fathers or mothers who are English teachers, librarians, professors, or heavy fiction readers; parents who do not encourage children to play games, participate in healthy sports, or watch television in the evening.
Pre-marital screening and counseling, referral to adoption agencies in order to break the chain of abuse. Librarians and English teachers in particular should seek partners active in other fields. Children should be encouraged to seek physical activity and to avoid isolation and morbid introspection.
Within the sordid world of literature abuse, the lowest circle belongs to those sufferers who have thrown their lives and hopes away to study literature in our colleges. Parents should look for signs that their children are taking the wrong path--don't expect your teenager to approach you and say, "I can't stop reading Spenser." By the time you visit his dorm room and find the secret stash of the Paris Review, it may already be too late. What to do if you suspect your child is becoming an English major:
You may be dealing with a life-threatening problem if one or more of the following applies:
Most importantly, remember, you are not alone. To seek help for yourself or someone you love, contact the nearest chapter of the American Literature Abuse Society, or look under ALAS in your telephone directory.
trolleypup LITERATURE ABUSE: AMERICA'S HIDDEN PROBLEM
SELF-TEST FOR LITERATURE ABUSERS
How many of these apply to you?
1. I have read fiction when I was depressed, or to cheer myself up.
Yes, and yes
2. I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or more in a day.
Yes, and yes
3. I read rapidly, often 'gulping' chapters.
Yes
4. I have sometimes read early in the morning or before work.
Yes
5. I have hidden books in different places to sneak a chapter without being seen.
Not since I was in school.
6. Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in order to read novels.
Yes, and yes
7. Sometimes I re-write film or television dialog as the characters speak.
No
8. I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is a book nearby.
No
9. At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to read.
Not often
10. Reading has made me seek haunts and companions which I would otherwise avoid.
Yes
11. I have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until I have finished a novel.
Yes, and yes
12. I have spent money meant for necessities on books instead.
Not recently
13. I have attempted to check out more library books than permitted.
Yes, although not recently
14. Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers.
Yes
15. I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy reading.
Only once!
16. I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a bout of reading.
No
17. I have wept, become angry or irrational because of something I read.
Yes, yes, and no
18. I have sometimes wished I did not read so much.
No
19. Sometimes I think my reading is out of control.
No
If you answered 'yes' to three or more of these questions, you may be a literature abuser. Affirmative responses to five or more indicates a serious problem.
Once a relatively rare disorder, Literature Abuse, or LA, has risen to new levels due to the accessibility of higher education and increased college enrollment since the end of the Second World War. The Number of literature abusers is currently at record levels.
SOCIAL COSTS OF LITERARY ABUSE
Abusers become withdrawn, uninterested in society or normal relationships. They fantasize, creating alternative worlds to occupy, to the neglect of friends and family. In severe cases they develop bad posture from reading in awkward positions or carrying heavy book bags. In the worst instances, they become cranky reference librarians in small towns. Excessive reading during pregnancy is perhaps the number one cause of moral deformity among the children of Librarians, English professors, Creative Writing teachers and Literacy and ESL tutors. Known as Fetal Fiction Syndrome, this disease also leaves its victims prone to a lifetime of nearsightedness, daydreaming and emotional instability.
HEREDITY
Recent Harvard studies have established that heredity plays a considerable role in determining whether a person will become an abuser of literature. Most abusers have at least one parent who abused literature, often beginning at an early age and progressing into adulthood. Many spouses of an abuser become abusers themselves.
OTHER PREDISPOSING FACTORS
Fathers or mothers who are English teachers, librarians, professors, or heavy fiction readers; parents who do not encourage children to play games, participate in healthy sports, or watch television in the evening.
PREVENTION
Pre-marital screening and counseling, referral to adoption agencies in order to break the chain of abuse. Librarians and English teachers in particular should seek partners active in other fields. Children should be encouraged to seek physical activity and to avoid isolation and morbid introspection.
DECLINE AND FALL: THE ENGLISH MAJOR
Within the sordid world of literature abuse, the lowest circle belongs to those sufferers who have thrown their lives and hopes away to study literature in our colleges. Parents should look for signs that their children are taking the wrong path--don't expect your teenager to approach you and say, "I can't stop reading Spenser." By the time you visit his dorm room and find the secret stash of the Paris Review, it may already be too late. What to do if you suspect your child is becoming an English major:
- Talk to your child in a loving way. Show your concern. Let her know you won't abandon her--but that you aren't spending a hundred grand to put her through Stanford so she can clerk at Waldenbooks, either. But remember that she may not be able to make a decision without help; perhaps she has just finished Madame Bovary and is dying of arsenic poisoning.
- Face the issue: Tell her what you know, and how: "I found this book in your purse. How long has this been going on?" Ask the hard question - "Who is this Count Vronsky?"
- Show her another way. Move the television set into her room. Introduce her to frat boys.
- Do what you have to do. Tear up her library card. Make her stop signing her letters as 'Emma.' Force her to take a math class, or minor in Spanish. Transfer her to a Florida college.
You may be dealing with a life-threatening problem if one or more of the following applies:
- She can tell you how and when Thomas Chatterton died.
- She names one or more of her cats after a Romantic poet.
- Next to her bed is a picture of: Lord Byron, Virginia Woolf, Faulkner or any scene from the Lake District.
Most importantly, remember, you are not alone. To seek help for yourself or someone you love, contact the nearest chapter of the American Literature Abuse Society, or look under ALAS in your telephone directory.
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no subject
Date: 2008-06-18 03:28 pm (UTC)Not only do I abuse Literature... I make it like it! Muwhahaha!
no subject
Date: 2008-06-18 09:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-18 04:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-18 04:33 pm (UTC)My favorite reading/substance abuse parallel is that the guy at my used book store will sometimes send me home with a "free sample". He's my pusher. He knows I'll be back for more.
no subject
Date: 2008-06-18 07:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-19 12:51 am (UTC)We had a litter of nine collie puppies, and I gave them all names from Georgette Heyer books. Sophy and Frances still have their litter names. I think Ivo might still have his original name too.